


The Light is No Mystery

by irishavalon



Series: Visions Made of Flesh and Light [3]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: But IW isn't out yet, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Loki's pronouns change some, Loki-centric, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Pre-Slash, Takes place during Infinity Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 10:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13211640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishavalon/pseuds/irishavalon
Summary: " “And that was satisfactory to you? That you knew, all along, and you still left me to mourn my brother like it was going to kill me?” Loki demands.“Tell me, Loki, how many times have you allowed him to mourn you?” "What happens when Loki and Thor leave the space ship.Or, the final part of the Visions Made of Flesh and Light series.





	The Light is No Mystery

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a partial quote from Richard Siken's poem "Visible World." The full quote is "The light is no mystery,/ the mystery is that there is something to keep the light/ from passing through."

The questions are endless. From Thor’s expressions across the room, Loki suspects these are questions he has already answered. _Are you in league with Thanos? What proof do you have that you are not in league with Thanos? Do you have plans to take over Midgard? Enslave New York? Bomb the United States? What was your role in the revolution on Sakaar? In the destruction of Asgard? Why should we believe your brother’s word that you will not betray us?_

Loki answers each question, and after they do so, the Midgardians have to discuss their answer. Thor moves around the room, speaking first to Coulson, then Stark, then Fury. He sits beside Rogers, then pours himself a drink, then approaches Heimdall to ask him a question about the journey or his people. Loki can’t help following Thor with their eyes, watching him at every chance. It’s as if they fear their brother will disappear if they look away.

The way they stare at Thor like a child keeping tabs on their mother does not go unnoticed. It is frustrating Stark as he tries to interrogate Loki without sarcasm; it draws Rogers’ interest, and he seems surprised when Loki’s stare doesn’t set Thor aflame or something; it irritates Fury and he snaps several times at Loki to _look at him while he’s speaking, goddammit_ ; Heimdall bestows Loki with a small smile when he catches their eyes a moment while Thor asks him a question. Loki’s embarrassed, but they can’t help it, and Thor’s pleased look whenever he catches his sibling looking at him makes the embarrassment and the Midgardians’ visible irritation worth it.

And then Stark has run out of questions for Loki. He refills his glass and uses it to point to Thor. “I want to talk to you more. Without your brother in the room.”

“Sibling,” Thor corrects instinctively. Loki’s equally instinctual pleasure at the correction is drowned out by an irrational fear. _No no no, I don’t want to leave him_. Thor glances at Loki as if he can sense the panic within Loki that they are trying to smother. Loki, determined not to let Thor see their stupid separation anxiety, stands.

“All right, Stark. I can’t imagine what other questions could be milling around in that tiny brain of yours, but I’ll wait outside, shall I?”

“I’ll go with you,” Heimdall says, standing also. He exits the office first, and Loki follows. Thor trails behind, to close the door when they exit. Loki turns to look at Thor, who watches them and closes the door very slowly, watching them the whole time, as though he doesn’t want to be separated, either. Loki rolls his eyes.

“Don’t be stupid,” he snaps. Thor smiles and closes the door all the way. Loki rolls his eyes again at the closed door, and mentally tells his heart to _be quiet, he’s fine._ Then he follows Heimdall down the hall to two chairs.

“You don’t have to stay with me,” Loki tells him. Heimdall merely glances at him.

S.H.I.E.L.D has brought them to an international office of theirs in a building in Oslo. The Valkyrie and the other Asgardians have been transported to hotels and apartments throughout the city, temporary residences until an agreement can be reached with the Norwegian government about if they will be permitted to stay, and if so, where New Asgard will be built.

How far they have come, and how much farther they still have to go before they can be truly at home on this strange planet. This is much longer than Loki had intended to stay, but Thor’s miraculous reappearance had completely demolished his plans.

“Wait a minute.” Loki says, turning to Heimdall, a sudden thought occurring to him. “You said you couldn’t see him.”

Heimdall doesn’t ask who Loki means by _him_. He merely nods. “I did say that.”

“But you _could_ see him.”

Heimdall nods again.

“So you lied to me. We could have helped him.”

“I saw that he was safe. That was enough.” Heimdall replied calmly.

“Enough? Enough?” He’s shouting now; the government officials coming down the hallway turn and hurry back the way they came, not wanting to pass an angry god. “Enough? Our people mourning for months is _enough_ ? Floating through space without a leader is _enough_ ? My insomnia and trauma and spending each night---” He stops, inhales shakily. _He’s alive, it’s over_ , he reminds himself, and tries again. “I’m sure you know how I spent each night.”

“I know.”

“And that was satisfactory to you? That you knew, all along, and you still left me to mourn my brother like it was going to kill me?” Loki demands.

“Tell me, Loki, how many times have you allowed him to mourn _you_?”

“That’s… that’s different.”

“I don’t think so. You needed to learn a lesson, Loki. And you did.”

“I see,” Loki says coldly. “And what lesson was that, old man?”

Heimdall merely chuckled at Loki’s attempt at an insult. “I saw you in that room. You couldn’t take your eyes off him.”

“And what does that tell you, O Watcher of the Worlds?”

“That just as you are to him, at long last you have realized that he is more precious to you than anything. It should not have taken his near-death to teach you that you love your brother, but you have finally learned.” Heimdall says.

Loki is silent for a long time, shocked to realize that what Heimdall says is true. Not that he would ever admit it, especially to Heimdall. “I think my father and the other Asgardians lied to you.”

Heimdall looks at him, raising his eyebrows. “What do you mean, your highness?”

“You are not as smart as you think you are.”

Heimdall merely laughs. He pats Loki’s shoulder. “Whatever you say, my prince.”

 

It seems like hours before the meeting is over. Heimdall is brought in to make a statement about Loki’s honor and to corroborate Loki’s story. Then Loki is summoned once more for a final round of (repeated) questions, before he is finally given leave to go. Thor escorts him to one of the hotels the Asgardians are staying in as the sun sets behind the horizon. The room is spacious, and connected by a side door to Loki’s own suite.

“You must be tired, brother,” Thor says (Loki had corrected him as they’d left S.H.I.E.L.D of his gender change). Loki doesn’t tell Thor that yes, he is most definitely exhausted, because he has not slept in three nights. The last night he had slept had only been for a couple fitful, nightmare-filled hours. There’s no reason to tell him; he’ll be fine tonight. Thor is alive, he is in the next room (the closest he’s been since they were very small children and had shared a room off their parents’ chambers), and their people are at last safe.

Loki bids his brother good-night and closes the door separating their rooms. He climbs into the soft hotel bed. He knows that Thanos will be on Midgard soon enough to claim the Infinity Stones he has not yet gained; Thor explained the current status of the war on the way to the hotel. He knows there is more strife and danger to come, but for the moment he feels he will finally be able to sleep through the night; for the moment, Thor is closer than Loki’d ever believed he would be again before Loki died himself. He closes his eyes, and falls asleep almost instantly.  


 

Loki awakens hours later with a yell. He sits up in bed, panting, hands scrabbling across the mattress, as though reaching for something that is not there. For a moment, he doesn’t know where he is, staring around the dark room with wide eyes that take a second to adjust to the blackness. Slowly, slowly, it comes back to him.

_Norway. New Asgard. Thor, alive. The interrogation. The hotel room. Thor, on the other side of the wall._

He takes a deep, shuddering breath, still shaking and clutching at the sheets. He wants to go through that door, just to be sure he didn’t dream Thor alive again. His nightmare is fresh in his mind. Tonight, Thanos didn’t just throw Thor out of the ship. He tore his arms and legs from his body; Thor’s agonized screams still echo in his ears as he sits there, trying to calm down enough to go back to sleep.

He only resists the urge to _just make sure_ for a few minutes, before the need to see Thor overtakes him. _Please_ , he thinks, throwing off the sheets and getting out of the bed. Once he’s standing, time seems to press down on him, urging him to _hurry, hurry_. He half runs to the door separating their rooms, and throws open the door. He stops in the doorway, still breathing heavily.

The lights are on in Thor’s room. When he opens the door, Thor is already walking towards him, concern creasing his features. _Alive, alive, alive._ Loki swallows messily as he watches Thor, watches Thor watching him.

“Are you okay?” Thor says at last. “I heard you yell.”

His words break through Loki’s frozen staring, and Loki is moving again, rushing to Thor. He touches Thor everywhere, just to prove to himself that his brother’s really there: his cheeks, his hair, his beard, his arms, his chest, even his eyepatch. (Loki’s going to have to get used to that thing all over again. He’s okay with that.)

Thor’s face, tight with worry a moment ago from hearing Loki shout in his sleep, is softening, the skin around his eye crinkling with fondness. “I’m here. I’m here.” He whispers, and now Loki knows Thor’s relief when Loki spoke those words so many months ago.

Heimdall’s question replaces the memory of dream-Thor’s screams as real-Thor repeats those reassuring words: _How many times have you allowed him to mourn you?_

Loki stops touching his brother _everywhere, everywhere_ , and merely rests his hands on Thor’s chest, looking into the face he thought he’d never see again. “I’m sorry I let you think I was dead,” Loki murmurs.

Thor’s gaze softens even more, and he smiles. “You missed me?”

Loki can hear the teasing in his brother’s voice; but the nightmare is still on the edge of his thoughts, the memory of mourning Thor still too fresh, and Loki can’t bring himself to take the bait, to deny the accusation, to push him away. “It was hell,” Loki says, so quietly he wonders if Thor hears.

Thor hears. He pulls Loki into a hug. Loki clings to him, and breathes him in, and pushes the clawing demons of the nightmare out of his mind. “I’m here,” Thor tells him.

 _He is more precious to you than anything,_ Heimdall had said. Loki would never admit it, especially to Heimdall, especially to Thor.

_He is._


End file.
